Religion is a funny thing. Okay, maybe it's not funny--as in funny-ha-ha'-- but it's
certainly funny in other ways. Take the RULE of EXCEPTIONS, for instance.
What? You've
never heard of the Rule of Exceptions? I'm not surprised. There are a great many important
things most people have never encountered in their day-to-day lives. In some cases this is due to
not having the time to investigate things. In others, it's lack of contact with purveyors of obscure
and arcane knowledge. In the case of the Rule of Exceptions, however, it's probably because I
just made it up.
The Rule of Exceptions, as just recently postulated by myself, goes something like this (in fact, it goes exactly like this!);
"In virtually every religion there is witheld from the faithful at least ONE THING. The use, partaking of, or even possession of this thing, within the confines of the religion's dogma, is a taboo on a par with mortal sin and will have severe repercussions. The faithful are assured, as a rule, that obediently going through life without this ONE THING will assure them of a just reward in the next life; the reward often being that very ONE THING in abundance, any time you want it, and (if the religion's worth a damn) FOR FREE!."
Okay, now let's see what this is all about, cite some examples. The most commonly known is the Jews. Men go through life deprived of their foreskins and are not allowed to eat pork. What they are allowed to eat, are encouraged to eat in fact, would be a sin in most religions, as anyone who's had matzo, fuzzy pickled fish, or any of a number of other Jewish dishes (many of which look like science projects which were shoved to the rear of the fridge and forgotten for several months!) can attest.
Catholics must do without divorce, birth control, and (until recently) red meat on Fridays. The first two are simply edicts put into place by some pope or another way back there to insure there would be an ever-increasing supply of Catholics, which would mean increased tithes filling the Vatican coffers, which would mean the religion could expand into other countries and eventually take over the entire world. The 'fish on Friday' thing is anybody's guess, but it was probably more market-driven than anything. Probably one of the early popes had a fish market on the side.
Muslims* are an excellent case in point. Anyone caught with so much as a Playboy magazine can be sentenced to have a hand amputated; women are not allowed to show their faces or ankles in public; and the mere possession of distilled spirits can warrant a death penalty; whereas their afterlife is an exact opposite. As soon as a man dies (particularly if he's carrying a bomb and sending numerous infidels out with him at the time, they are assured!) he can belly up to all the wine he can hold and be attended by the Houris who are sort of like angels, but with over-developed libidos and are perpetual virgins! That's right, take a licking and come right back for more.
You'll notice this prescription was just for the men. Women are treated pretty much like cattle, with the notable exception that (per an honest-to-WHOEVER edict issued by the Ayatollah shortly after he took control back in the 1970s!) it is perfectly okay to screw cattle! Okay, having actually seen some of the Muslim women, I can almost understand the cattle thing. Oh, and just for good measure, they aren't allowed to eat pork either ... perhaps the only thing they and the Jews can agree upon.
*Not to be confused with the Black Muslims which, so far as we can tell, is a religion based soley upon hating everyone with less melanin in their skins than your own, and trying to impress your Parole Boards. Basically, this is the Black version of the Ku Klux Klan, only with even less fashion sense, as witnessed by Rev. Farakan and his Pee-Wee Herman get-up.
Hindus can't eat much of anything in the way of meat, for fear they may be gobbling down dear old Aunt Harriet or Uncle Rashid. Their idea of heaven is ... now get this ... coming back to earth as a COW! Could this be origins of the saying 'Holy Cow'? Whether it is or isn't, one has to wonder just how far back in line the Hindus were when religions were being passed out.
The protestants are not without their own Exceptions, but this varies widely (and WILDLY!) by denomination. Some Southern Baptist sects forbid drinking alcohol, even for communion. Others forbid dancing, females wearing makeup or short dresses, rock n' roll music, and virtually anything else that might be construed as fun. The Quakers, Amish, and Mennonites take these things to extremes, dressing in drab black and forbidding any modern contrivance such as television or automobiles. I can say this without fear of them taking issue with it ... I mean, have you seen an Amish web site? If there is one, don't look for a lot of color graphics.
The 'Born Again' (not only are they anti-abortion, but seem to think being born is a repetitive exercise!) movement seems to forbid the slightest modicum of common sense. I say this due to the fact that I've seen many a Tel-evangelist on the tube, wearing a $1200-dollar suit and a $12,000 wristwatch, crying big old tears while pleading for donations so he can 'continue to do God's work'. It would seem God pays a helluva lot better for His work than the minimum-wage most followers of these charletons rake in.
That Jim & Tammy Faye and Jimmy
Swaggart were caught with their fingers in the till (among other places) came as no surprise ...
that there are still people out there stupid enough to pay hard-earned money so these shitbags can aircondition their dog-houses, however, does!
Only in America will you find religion dragged down to the level of professional wrestling, but then, only in America will you find an audience for anything as patently fake as both of these endeavors. A word of advice you can take or leave as you will; Never trust a Faith Healer with a toupee or false teeth!
And there you have the Rule of Exceptions, Fellow Saints. Look into any religion and you'll find something that is forbidden, delayed, or at least frowned-upon. It may be as simple as differentiating between sprinkling and dunking for baptism, but it's there. EXCEPT ... here. The Poochian Dogma is written in water, which is to say, you may see in it what you will, but if you're calm enough you'll always see a reflection of yourself. Do what you want, when you want, how you want, with whomever you want, for as long as you want. Just remember to take proper precautions and make certain all partners are willing, and don't drive after over-indulging ... I may be on the road myself and I don't want to be morted due to your ill-timed exuberance.
Now go in
peace, or go out and get a piece, I really don't care either way.
Peace On You,
St. Pooch
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